Rate this article:
Average rating:
Total votes: 19
There's no gift like lengthy, unsolicited advice from people who have no business giving it. But since I am one of those people, I'm going to do just that and offer you a glimpse into how I hope to improve my career in the coming months. I would rather give out uninformed medical diagnoses, but as a general working stiff, I'm happy to provide this service to you for a change.
Every year, I make some promises to myself to celebrate the new year. Though I usually try to set some pragmatic goals like to stop eating with my feet or to stay awake while driving, this year I thought I'd try something different and set some career resolutions that you, too, could adopt. I think it's going to work out great. I didn't want to quit sniffing markers anyway.
One caveat: As glaringly obvious as it should be that these resolutions have no real value -- I never stick to them anyway -- the links provided here do offer practical advice for anyone seeking it.
This year, I resolve to:
1. Find New Ways to Greet Coworkers
I'm tired of the nod-and-smile and the hushed "morning." I find myself overusing the noncommittal hello. I'm going to start implementing the heel-click-and-salute, the friendly kick-in-the-shin and the increasingly popular Siberian headlock.
Mind your manners here.
2. Learn That Sending Viruses to Everyone Is Not Funny
But man, you should've seen their faces when they got the one that sets small fires in their monitors. Have you seen that one? I'll forward it to you.
Learn what to do after you've sent the wrong email.
3. Refurbish My Cube
I want something different, like a Polynesian aristocracy motif or something resembling a caribou herder's hut. Perhaps some well-placed throw rugs would spruce up the place. Maybe a weaving loom or a wax bust of Oprah.
Get your own redecorating ideas.
4. Drink Less Coffee
Ha ha ha! Just kidding. No freakin' chance.
5. Follow the Company Dress Code More Closely
Shirt? Check. Shoes? Right. Socks? Got 'em. But something's missing -- ah, toupee!
Stay current on workplace style.
6. Manage My Time More Effectively
I will limit my productive time in the office by refusing to accept any new assignments. I will attend one out of every three meetings. I will shorten my commute to six minutes by buying a Camaro. I will spend less time writing lists.
Find out how well you manage time.
7. Make Myself Heard in Meetings
My cousin just forwarded me these great jokes about cannibals and lawyers that will absolutely liven up those stuffy old meetings. People may even start looking forward to them.
Get started on making your meetings more effective.
8. Take the Stairs
I'm seriously going to do this. I promise that every day from here on out I will shun that elevator in the interest of my health. It's not going to be easy at first, but I will stick with it. I am determined: I will go down those stairs every evening on my way out.
Learn more about ways you can stay healthy at work.
9. Deal with Coworker Disputes in a Civil Fashion
Enough voodoo dolls and gypsy curses. From here on out, I will deal with people in a mature and respectable fashion by completely ignoring them or spreading heinous rumors about them.
Get the scoop on the politics of office friendships.
10. Continue to Assume I Will Never Be Laid Off
Ever. It's like time travel -- a theoretical possibility that will never come to fruition. I am the one supporting pillar of this institution, the nerve center, the beating heart. I am invaluable. I will never be laid off.
But I should keep an eye out for red flags.
