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DEAR COACH: My husband and I have been going round and round about the topic of money, and since you're cheaper than a divorce lawyer, I thought I'd ask you for an opinion. I've always made more money than my husband, who is good with our daughters (ages 7 and 10) and loves to be at home doing his writing. He's been working on a novel for several years, but I'm pretty sure he'll never finish it. That's OK with me, because I feel lucky to have somebody at home with the children taking care of those things I just don't have time to worry about. So I work 70-hour weeks to bring home a good-enough salary for us, and he watches "Oprah" and writes.
But here's the rub: Shouldn't the person who works harder earning the money have more of a say in how it gets spent? There are things I want us to do as a family for our vacation that he says are too expensive. But he has a vacation every day, and I have the grand total of three weeks a year. Shouldn't the decision about how and where to relax belong to the person who is so busy earning money that she hardly has any time to do it?
EVIE
DEAR EVIE: It seems to me the vacation is just the tip of the iceberg. This is not about the vacation, or even about money. It's about power and respect. Thirty years ago, I would have gotten this question from an Eddie, not an Evie. Have we learned nothing about equitable power sharing in relationships since then? And what good have changes in gender expectations done for us, if all we've accomplished is giving both genders the opportunity to work too hard?
In more than one-third of marriages, women now earn more than their husbands and, boy, is this causing a ruckus. I'd say from your note that, despite your protestations that you like having him home, you're more than a little angry at your husband. Could this be because deep down you don't really like those 70-hour weeks and are jealous of the freedom he has created for himself?
And you certainly don't seem to believe in his work, (Yes, writing really is work, and if you asked him, perhaps you'd find that he's watching "Oprah" to figure out what kinds of novels she's responding to). I also wonder how he feels about you being dismissive of something that matters so much to him.
So I'd suggest you stay home this summer and spend the money on some good family therapy. Not just some sessions for you and your husband, but something that would eventually include the kids as well. They're surely not unaware of this power struggle, nor immune to the disrespect you seem to feel for his choices -- they'll need to be included in any restructuring of the family dynamics.
Randi Minetor has a new book, Breadwinner Wives and the Men They Marry: How to Have a Successful Marriage While Outearning Your Husband. You and he might want to have a look at it to see if you can find yourselves there. I see this as an opportunity for both of you to restructure your relationship so it works better for everybody, including your daughters. They're no doubt watching closely to try to figure out how to be women in this world. It didn't work when the Eddies of the world thought they had a monopoly on power and respect, and it won't help your girls much to see you working too hard and being secretly mad at their dad. It's time to edit this unbalanced script.
CAREER COACH
